A Musing on Failure
I sit here on this sunny afternoon to write about failure. What is life without failure? It is a perfect life. However, this is not the case for anyone.
Yesterday, I failed. A test? Please, do you think me pedantic? — An interview? Please, do you think me easily upset by rejection? — A relationship? Please, I am focusing on myself for the time being.
What, or who, then did I fail? I failed the organization of which I am the leader. Leader is a heavy word which many people have different notions or ideas about. Leaders are feared, respected, loved, and hated. Leaders can bring people up or tear others down. Leaders have power, but what they do with that power is telling. In my case, I am a leader in the pro-life movement, in the United States specifically, but I would be willing to dip my toes into the movement universally. Anyway, the point is that I am an advocate for the unborn and helpless. I am passionate about this cause, even more than my schoolwork, and this passion is both inspiring and hindering for me.
As of late, I have classified myself as a One on the Enneagram. In the past, I have identified with Type 6 and 8, but recently, a coworker of mine told me that he thought I was a 1, and I immediately entered a state of denial, which lasted about a week. As many lovers of the Enneagram might find, when one is in denial about being a type, it is more than likely that you are that type. Gradually, I have accepted the One. Truly, for those who know me, I am a Reformer. I wouldn’t say I am a perfectionist, but I am particular about certain things. For example, I wear those warm fuzzy socks that everyone gives you as Christmas gifts around the house. I love them. However, all socks are not created equal. So, I have a particular pair that I only wear in my bed– the bed socks, if you will. They do not touch the floor of my room. Then, I have my “slipper” socks. Those are the type of fuzzy socks with some sort of way to create friction on the bottom. Then, I have socks that I will just wear around my room so that I don’t get too warm when sitting at my desk. So, at any one time, I will three pairs of socks in use for various reasons. Don’t judge.
For those who prefer the MBTI, I am an ISTJ. My test showed me a 50/50 split between introverted and extraverted, but I choose “I” because I most often feel introverted. Often, however, I see myself as the ESTJ, so it just depends…or maybe it’s the weird thing where you develop. I honestly do not understand that one, but if you do, please write to me and explain it to me. I would love to hear from you!
Anyway, what was my failure? I failed to remember that there was an Activities Fair at which myself and my eboard were supposed to be at. I failed the organization. I failed my eboard. I failed, indirectly, the unborn. Who am I? I am better than this. I blamed myself. It is the thick of the Chinese New Year season, which I celebrate by performing with my Chinese center at various locations including restaurants and the Metropolitan Museum of Art. I was thinking about dancing, Lion Troupe, a diet and food (the ever important thought amirightladies). I also had a late night the day before and never remembered to check the calendar. The fact of the matter, and what really hurts the most, was that I failed to remind my fellow eboard members that this fair was going to take place and that we registered for a table. I am still in shock that I forgot.
There was a whole reason I rambled on and on about socks. The type One is a perfectionist only about things he or she cares about. Clearly, I care very much about the pro-life movement. Why, then, did this escape my mind? I could try to think of excuses, explanations, and something to blame. However, I do have to bear bad news to them; I need to acknowledge that we all failed to remember this. One eboard member even knew about it, but did not say anything. Now, imagine my immediate outrage. I practically cried in the car on my way home from campus yesterday. What is wrong with me?
The bad news is that I have to play the bad guy for a few minutes in this meeting. As President, I need to put my foot down, for my own sake and everyone else’s. I fear that the reason that no one said anything because (1) I am intimidating, or (2) that they think I want to run the show by myself. To quickly address the first theory…I am not physically intimidating. I am just shy of 4’11”. However, I am almost proud to say that my presence is bigger than my physicality. As for the second issue, I fully acknowledge that I have been too controlling of the club. I take on responsibilities that other people are supposed to do, and this is what I need to address in my eboard meeting. I need to establish what our responsibilities are. I need to do what I should have done at first.
In hindsight, this failure will be insubstantial, but I am still feeling the ripples. I will note, however, that this is the first slip-up that the organization has had as a whole this year, and I knew it was unrealistic to hope that everything would always be perfect and always work out all the time. I am idealistic like that sometimes…thank you to my stressed out 4 state (Enneagram reference -sorry for those who don’t understand). I wanted this year to be jam packed full of events, meetings, and activism. I wanted this year to be all about member involvement and getting our message out there. Something that indicates that I have developed out of my teenage years is that I am actually sad for someone else in this whole cause, namely the unborn. I used to lament at my own troubles and situations, but at the end of the day, my troubles are inconsequential to the world at large. My solace and support comes from my dear St. Thomas the Aquinas:
To bear with patience wrongs done to oneself is a mark of perfection, but to bear with patience wrongs done to someone else is a mark of imperfection and even of actual sin.
Better to illuminate than merely to shine, to deliver to others contemplated truths than merely to contemplate.
The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false.
If you can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral, as well as unjust.
I like to believe that St. Thomas Aquinas and I would have been great friends if I were living in his time — or he in mine– because just imagine…the Dumb Ox and me, a small young woman who shouts the message of life to the high heavens (I have yet to be titled by such a fine nickname). St. Thomas Aquinas, I know you are looking down at me write this and probably laughing in good faith. Please assist me in my quest for truth, knowledge, and Jesus Himself.
Although I have failed, I am not a failure. I hope that you all realize this in your own lives. If not, then I would suggest befriending St. Thomas Aquinas as well.
Truly,
A Musing Writer 