Hello everyone!

As per usual, I am issuing an apology regarding the irregularity of my posts. It’s funny because I was speaking with a classmate and a professor this morning about how terrible I have been at posting regularly on this blog (even though I have to post regularly on my academic blog). And here I am, a few hours later, revved up with inspiration and insight! God is amazing.

So, today, I tried playing tug-of-war with God. And yes, I know you are probably retorting something like, “Well, I’m sure THAT’S going to go well.” And you would honestly be justified in the judgement.

It started with my wanting to visit my Theology professor in his office hours. I usually have a well-planned topic to talk to him about, whether it stems from something in class, or just a random theological topic, but I had literally no idea what I was going to say to him today. But still, I convinced myself that if I went in and just started talking, good fruit would come of it. And I am pretty sure that I am partially correct in that aspect, had it been a different day. However, clearly, God did not want me to do that. But I ignored Him. Because I am the worst.

I felt a sense of trepidation as I waited the 20 minutes so that I could be fashionably not-on-time. Should I go? I don’t want to look like a blabbering pedant. Maybe I shouldn’t. But you have to read for French class. No, but if it’s for your spiritual benefit, you’ll be fine. Are you going to just be there because you need to know about something you actually didn’t need to know about, at least on this very day? Yea, but I still feel guilty not doing my French work. No, don’t feel bad about having a thirst for knowledge.

So many doubts filled my mind. I should have listened to them, but I am usually wary about doubting myself because I have the (flawed) mindset that I can’t mess up so badly that I will mess with God’s plans for the day. Sometimes, that mindset bites me in the behind, and I know that I really need to try and be in better tune with His voice. So, despite the gut feeling to not go, I marched over to the office. That audacious move was a tug made me feel like I was winning.

And my dear friends, the professor was not even there. That was God tugging back. I was confused, but I immediately accepted it and took it as a sign that I should have gone with my gut and that I should be reading for my French class. I felt myself dramatically sigh, but I obeyed without too much fuss. And that should have been it.

But within 15 minutes, I wanted to go back to bother him. Why am I like this? (Again, because I am the worst.) I don’t even think I was thinking straight because I had this huge cup of iced coffee that I nursed the whole day, and anyone who knows me knows that Theresa on iced coffee often leads to other people feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to handle me. Iced coffee aside, I started planning out what I was going to say because while I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t walk in with a complete caffeine-induced conversation that has no real purpose and/or substance. I gave a sharp tug on the spiritual rope. I shut my French book, marched to the office, and got ready to go into student-receptivity-mode. I approached the office for the second time, practically chomping at the bit for knowledge that I knew would not disappoint.

And he still wasn’t there. God pulled that rope straight out of my hands. Game over. I wasn’t even disappointed this time. I genuinely felt bad for not obeying the first time. I should have known better than to ask again and expect a different answer. I understood immediately that I shouldn’t have gone a second time to the office and dutifully marched to the building my next class is in to get a bite to eat. There, I would be able to do the readings for my French class like He wanted me to. I understood that I had been playing a childish game with Him when I should have just done what He told me to do.

But He didn’t scold me, as He is truly loving and gentle. I think He was chuckling, in a similar way you do when you are playing tug-of-war with a small puppy, and you see that he is pulling with all of his might, but you know that all you have to do is give a gentle yank, and the rope would be out of reach. Yea, that little puppy was me today.

Anyway, as I was sitting shoveling some mediocre Chinese food into my mouth, I spotted a girl I had met last Spring walking towards me, and she came over to sit with me. She is two years younger than I, but we still grew somewhat close during a particularly tortuous core class. I hadn’t seen her in a while, but I felt myself brighten up just the same. After exchanging initial greetings, she shared a trouble that was on her heart, and as I was listening, I felt myself tuning into the Feminine Genius that I have been studying and meditating on the past few weeks.

I heard a whisper in my heart as I sat and listened to her: Minister to her. Show My love to her. Do this in remembrance of me.

Yes, Lord, I said back. It was at this moment that I understood what it truly meant to give God little “yes’s.” It also helped me understand the fullness of the Sacrifice of the Eucharist at Mass (though, I will save this topic for a different post, and I will hyperlink it here if/when I write it…you might be waiting a while for it). As I have been discerning my future, I have been coming head-to-head with the practice of saying “yes.” In other words, I am doing my best (and believe me, my best is not even close to good enough) to practice sacrifice and obedience.

On my pensive drive home, God invited me to ponder the question of desire. I had wanted so badly to talk to my professor. But God really drove home the point that what I desire is not necessarily what is in the Plan. And it’s not that the desire was bad…in fact, it was very good because the goal was to gain more knowledge about theological concepts (even though I had no idea which ones). It’s just that God needed me to be in the cafeteria so my dear friend could share her heart with me. I definitely think that it was all about placement. Yes, it would have been good to talk with my professor, but that’s not the good that God wanted to happen today.

He needed me to minister to my friend today, not babble to my professor. I guess another way to say that is that he wanted me to tune into the four qualities of my Feminine Genius- receptivity, sensitivity, generosity, and maternity. He wanted me to practice this gentle way of caring for a soul in need of encouragement. He wanted to show His love to her, as well as show me that I have what it takes to be a channel of that love. He wanted me to give rather than receive today (meaning give the support my friend needed, rather than receiving knowledge about a topic).

There are times and places for me to learn technical things about my faith. Most of the time, there are people on campus at my disposal if I have questions about the faith or want to talk to someone for encouragement. Today, God needed me to be that person for someone else, and while I went down fighting tooth and nail, I ended up giving Him that surrender.

I am not writing this to show-off or brag about how strong my faith is or how much I can practice the Feminine Genius; if that is what you gleaned from this, I hope this last bit will help you understand the true reason I felt compelled to write this.

Whenever I feel as though my desires are at odds with God’s Perfect Will, most likely that means that I should be “asking, not telling.” However, I know very well how difficult it is to surrender that control, and that results in a game of tug-of-war, initiated by myself. God doesn’t want to be at war with us, and He doesn’t play games with us. To go back to the puppy image, the puppy brings a rope to his human because he is bored, and he really thinks that he is going to win, and Human will entertain him for a while. But ultimately, the rope will be taken away, and he will be given what he needs (ie. a walk, food, or water). In a similar way, we are encouraged to let God love us in the way the we need to be loved, and not the way that we think that we should be loved (although to be clear, playtime is important in puppy training, and everyone knows Catholics are super fun, so playtime is not a bad thing).

What I wanted to happen today did not happen, but from that, God gave me the gift to be a sign of His love to another person, and it was better than anything I could have planned. So, my dear friends, whenever you feel frustrated, stop playing games – let go of the rope and give Him your yes.

Thoughtfully,