Hello everyone,

Although it’s actually been fairly recently since my last blog post, I have come to the conclusion that I will never truly be able to have a regular posting schedule, and I am perfectly okay with that.

Anyway, I think it would be safe to say that I am officially old because I am now listening to podcasts in my car on the way to school. Well, not old, but it definitely makes me an adult. And not a young one.

All kidding aside, the podcast I listen to is called the Abiding Together Podcast (no, they are not paying me to write about their podcast). In particular, I listened to their episode on St. Catherine of Sienna, which is part of a 4 part series on the Women Doctors of the Church (amazing!). I have been craving the knowledge about the Church Fathers and Doctors since the beginning of my time in college. Parched and almost dead from the lack of education on these matters, the

Lord finally quenched my thirst when a Campus Minister recommended this podcast to me.

The podcast explained how she is the soul of the Doctors of the Church, St. Hildegarde is the voice, St. Teresa of Avila is the mind, and St. Thérèse of Lisieux is the heart. I am honestly so excited to listen to the other three of these podcasts and then listen to them all over again. (Wow, I really sound old.) There were so many good points that the ladies touched upon, but something that stroked the most parched part of my brain stood out. Sr. Miriam James goes on to explain that a woman is love because of her femininity, which means her receptivity, generosity, sensitivity, and maternity;

woman is “beauty, gentleness, fierceness,” and “the soul cannot live without loving, for we must love God or those of the world. The soul always unites itself with what it loves and is transformed by it.”

Sr. Miriam James asks,

“What do you love? Not just like I love Instagram, I love lattes, but like for real, girl. What do you love? What burns your heart? What do you spend most of your time thinking about? What is your life ordered towards in reality?”

What a profound question! I had never thought about my life this way, and I think it is worth it to think about this question…ponder it, as the ladies on the podcast would say.

What is your life ordered towards in reality?

I honestly was relieved to say that I order my life around God. From my time in the Blessed Sacrament with Him, to the little prayer I say before I drive, to my thoughts, to my pro-life work, to my going to Mass, to even this blog, I was made aware of just how much God is a part of my life.

But it wasn’t always like this. Up until this school year, I did not set aside time for God. Even though I was engaged in pro-life work, Liturgical Ministry, and even led retreats, I did not have an intimate connection with Him. Everything was going well and according to His plan, but I felt like I was just going through the motions. I knew that what I was doing was good, but I just felt like there was fire that was missing in my life.

What burns in your heart?

Some people say that I can have a fiery personality, and that is true. Ever since I was a child, I have had a somewhat tenacious streak. I wasn’t a rebel child, don’t get me wrong. And even now, for those of you who know me on a personal level, I am quite a calm person who doesn’t socialize as much as she should. But anyway, the point is that I have a tendency to be headstrong and contrary when things that I don’t agree with are happening, and I am not afraid to say it – aka that fierceness that Sr. Miriam refers to. However, this is not the type of fire that I am talking about.

The type of fire I am talking about is a warmth. Meditating further, I realized that I was only doing things out of a sense of duty, and honestly, also out of a desire to be recognized by others as good. Neither of these things are wholly bad, but still, when doing the Lord’s work, you need to know the Lord. And I knew that I didn’t know Him as well as I should. He knew me, and I was just ignoring Him. This warmth grew and grew inside me as I started spending more time with Him. I can’t describe it exactly, but I just felt like there was a bath of sunshine radiating in my heart, and surprisingly in my lower belly too! I don’t really know what to make of the feeling in my belly, but I welcome it just the same. And the cool (no pun intended…haha?) thing about this warmth is that even when I open the door to share it, I don’t feel any colder. Unlike when you open the door to a warm room to the cold outdoors, the cold air didn’t creep in. Instead, the warmth gently pervaded and filled the coldness that surrounded it. That may be the gentleness that Sr. Miriam refers to. In turn, I think that I have transformed to a gentler person. And I can sense that other people sense it because they confide in me (ex: my last post). I even sense it in myself as I find myself genuinely open to hear what they want to say, and I am glad that people can see a trustworthy friend, student, classmate, or family member.

Although I know that faith should not solely rely on feelings, I have come to learn that feelings do help. With that in mind, I just feel (for those of you who know me, I really hope you are hearing that particular high-pitched, whiny voice I use when I tease others for speaking this way) like this warmth is the love of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit herself is burning calmly within me like a beautiful Bath and Body works candle.

This also calls to mind the fact that I took one of those Instagram selfie test games where you focus the camera on your face, and the spinning icon lands on something – casino style. Well, I did the “What character in the Bible are you?” test, and I got “The Burning Bush.” It was funny, and I laughed, but now it actually kind of makes sense. (Yes, I know it’s just a silly internet thing, so I’m not devoting my faith to an Instagram game.) I am on fire, but I am not collapsing or turning to ash (well, I will eventually).

In addition, I have often been complimented on my physical beauty, which is nice. I always appreciate a compliment, but at the same time, I am realizing that only recently have people been moved by something other than my physical appearance. Over the weekend, I was speaking with family members (I can’t really say publicly exactly what the topic was), and some of my aunts were moved by a story I was telling, and that was a transformative moment because I knew that they were seeing the beauty of God through my words. I hadn’t known what that was like until then. Yes, it’s nice to be complimented on pretty skirts, sharp coats, and fashionable shoes, but it was just so nice to be complimented on a spiritual beauty because I know that it will never fade.

What do you spend most of your time thinking about?

Honestly, I spend most of my time thinking about God, Theology in particular. It sounds so cheesy when I say that, but it’s true. I have often wondered if I should have just been a Theology major, but honestly, there is no real reason to dwell on it. However, wistful thinking aside, I think that being constantly surrounded by Theology would have made me disinterested (refer back to the paragraph about my tenacious personality). I am happy to still thirst for knowledge about it. And I might not have started this blog if I didn’t have this thirst for it, so thank the Lord for that!

What do you love?

I saved the big question for last. Because I am unsure of how to answer it. Of course, I love God. I love people, certainly. (Okay, but they can also test my patience sometimes, but I think we all experience this at one point or another.) I love going to Mass, adoration, and quiet time with Jesus. I love babies. I love dogs. I love dancing alone in my kitchen when no one is home. I love playing the piano. I love playing the guitar. I also love a healthy dose of socialization (so for me, an introvert, that means just about once every 2 months…an exaggeration, of course, but actually pretty close to the real thing), spending time with family, and meeting new people. I love doing service, although I admit I really should do more of it. I love sharing a good meal with people. Last, but not least, I love having deep conversations that tackle the real questions in life.

But, I think an answer that sufficiently answers all of these questions is this: I love life! I just love it. I love breathing, sleeping, walking, eating, laughing, crying, and just everything about it. Life is truly a gift, and I didn’t always see it this way. It’s easier said than done to shift to an “attitude of gratitude” – believe me when I say that going from hating life to loving it completely changed the whole experience. This is the transformation that Sr. Miriam refers to.

It might seem obvious to say this to some people, and honestly, I may not be saying anything new. But it’s important to know that when you ask deep life questions, such as the ones I answered in this post, are asked, and the answers start to sound the same, there is a common thread that cannot be ignored. It’s not a coincidence that many people describe love as warm and loneliness as cold. It’s not a coincidence that certain truths about the Catholic faith come out in different ways time and time again. It’s not a coincidence that people enter your lives at specific times. None of this is coincidental.

Life is not coincidental, and that’s why I love it so much!

Warmly,